This Little Game
by CharlotteBlackwood
Summary: Nova Carmichael knew better now. She knew his little game. Sirius Black knew just what to say to just the right girls to get whatever he wanted. But this time, he had gone too far and Nova was more than ready to air the rules of his game. They all thought Mary's death was a casualty of war. If they only knew... SB/OC, RL/OC. M
1. This Little Game

**A/N: Another Sirius/OC! Sort of. It's also Remus/OC. This is complicated, based on song lyrics I wrote back when I was doing music. I'll include lyrics at the beginning of every chapter, and then when I've finished the references for one song, I'll include the full set of lyrics as an addendum to the last chapter in which they're included. If you liked **_**Gabriella McPeak**_**, you'll probably like this. It's the same rough idea.**

** -C**

_Maybe it seems easy._

_Maybe the victims of rape seem easy._

_Maybe they'll all eventually become_

_Your little whores, an easy target._

Nova had been walking back to her mother's place in London from the pub she helped at in the summers. Barely sixteen years old, she had learned to defend herself. She knew who to trust, who to avoid, and when to scream for help. It wasn't the nicest of walks, but the cool evening air of August made her feel refreshed and relaxed.

"Nova!"

The voice belonged to a regular at the pub, a Muggle she had known for a while who lived a few streets over from her mother's place.

"Chad. What's up?"

"Isn't it a bit late to be walking home alone?"

Nova smiled at Chad. He wasn't especially handsome, but he had confidence that Nova knew many birds found attractive. He hardly ever left the pub alone, even if he came in not knowing a soul. But because he had lived so close, Nova had known him since she was a little girl. She didn't find him attractive, but rather comfortable, familiar.

"I can handle myself. What happened to the bird you left with?"

Chad just shrugged. Nova didn't know what that meant, but she supposed the girl ended up being more boring than he'd expected.

She tucked a bit of sandy brown hair behind her ear. Chad was the only Muggle she knew who knew her actual age. She'd make false documents to get the job at the pub a year back, and she looked old for her age. He walked with her some of the way back and then she paused, adjusting her scarf.

"Isn't it a bit warm for that thing?" Chad asked, smirking as he touched the scarf, playing with it like a child might. "It's summer."

"It cools off a lot at night, in my defense."

She hadn't expected his expression to suddenly change when he pulled the scarf tightly, uncomfortably around her neck. Nova tried to pull away, but she merely choked. Her heart was racing as he steered her into a small nook between two houses. It was a quiet neighborhood, but the sort where no one would come running to help her if she screamed. Not that she could scream with her scarf so tightly pulled around her throat.

"If you don't struggle, I won't hurt you," he said, his breath tickling her ear. It was hot and uncomfortable, and she could feel his hands loosening the hold on her scarf. Screaming wasn't an option, but perhaps if she could reach her wand?

Chad had a hand around her wrist quickly, however, and was pulling it down to his zipper.

"Be a good girl and take care of me, will you, pet?"

Nova wasn't an idiot. She'd lived in the neighborhood long enough to know that screaming would get her a knife to the throat if she was lucky, and doing anything but complying would mean they probably wouldn't find the body for a decade or so. Per Chad's instructions, she played nice, fighting back tears as she tried not to think about her little sister waiting up for her at home. Katie Ann would be worried, even if their mother was too hyped up on Valium to notice. Nova let Chad have his way. She didn't claw, didn't bite, didn't struggle at all. She closed her eyes and tried not to make a sound, tried to imagine herself somewhere else, doing something else. She pictured herself back at school, at Hogwarts, watching a Quidditch match and filled with joy at her team winning.

But trying to imagine herself full of joy in that moment was proving incredibly difficult.

When Chad was done with her, he gave her wrists one last squeeze and said, "Don't bother talking."

And then he left her there in the alleyway, leaning against the brick wall of a house, catching her breath, righting her clothes, and fighting the urge to slide to the ground and cry. She had to get home, and get home soon to let Katie Ann know that she was all right.

Just two more streets and Nova was unlocking the front door, brushing her hair out of her eyes. Her younger sister was looking at her with concern.

"What took so long? Have you been crying?"

"M'fine, dove," Nova muttered, hoping her eyes weren't too red. She didn't remember crying, but she wasn't surprised that it had happened. "Just had a late night is all. And the wind picked up around Maple, you know. I got something in my eye. But it's all good. Mum's sleeping?"

"When isn't she?" Katie Ann said bitterly. "Has Dad moved in at that new place yet?"

"He's taking us on Christmas holiday, moving all our stuff," Nova yawned. She was eager to shower. "I think I'm going to get the grime off me and go to bed. Sleep tight, dove."

Nova walked past her sister without a glance backward, and although she tried and tried to scrub the feel of Chad of her skin that night in the shower, she couldn't get rid of it no matter how hot she turned the water. She walked out of a second shower the following morning, skin pink from scalding, and she called Joe at the pub. She was sick, she told him, and since she was going back to school in not too long….

She never went back to that pub again, and did not leave the house without Katie Ann until they left for school.

Going off the deep end wasn't really the right way of explaining it, but it was closer than anything else Nova could think of, and as she sat in the smoky dormitory the Marauders sometimes held private parties in, firewhiskey in one hand and a joint in the other, she wondered why she hadn't done this before. Part of it was that she had never been very close to the Marauders, especially Sirius, who planned the parties, but the rest of it was that she'd always cared so much about what people thought of her.

Now it didn't seem to matter what anyone thought of her, and she relished the ability to chase away the niggling numbness in her chest with the pleasures of parties. She handed off the joint to Peter Pettigrew and ran her free hand through her tangled blonde hair.

"Nova Carmichael," Sirius Black's voice said behind her, and she could almost hear him smirking. She didn't turn around. "Never figured you'd end up a regular."

Nova took a gulp of her firewhiskey, pretending to ignore him. She'd heard from someone in Ravenclaw that he hated being ignored. She wasn't able to find out, however, because he sat down beside her, touching her chin and leaning in.

"You're different."

That got her attention, and she turned toward him. His eyes were very interesting this close, with strange flecks of green in the gray, right near the irises.

"How d'you mean?"

"I mean you're not like you were last year," he muttered, letting his fingertips trace her skin down toward her chin. His touch was soothing and exciting all at once, and she didn't even notice herself lean in slightly. "Something happened to you over the summer."

Her mind flashed to Chad and she almost pulled away, but Sirius touched her neck, calming her once more.

"I don't expect you to tell me," he said, his voice husky and soft and right in her ear in a way that made her head fuzzy. "You don't have to say anything you don't want to. But I think you're beautiful when you're sad."

Those words were strange, and perhaps the strangest of them that the word "beautiful" had come from the lips of Sirius Black. It wasn't the sort of compliment she would have expected him to use. Before she could think more on his words, though, his lips stole her attention.

Nova liked the feel of his lips on hers, and even sort of liked the way he took complete control of the kiss, that first night and all the nights after.

A year and a half. They were together for a year and a half, and Nova felt like she was on a high every time she was with him, and even fancied herself in love at one point.

Sirius was a good sort of boyfriend, sometimes. But when he wasn't a good sort of boyfriend, he was absolutely rubbish. He forgot her birthday. He forgot their anniversary (Halloween), and he forgot to buy her things on every gift-giving holiday there was. Sure, the kissing and touching were excellent, but Nova had barely let him snog her with clothes beginning to come off when she was starting to get a bit fed up with him. The Marauders were a tight-knit group, she knew, but he barely managed to make any time for her, and she knew he wasn't spending all that time studying.

That was when Nova began looking into Sirius. She was a very resourceful girl, and she happened to know how to poke at people who knew things and felt guilty. And Remus Lupin knew quite a lot of things, and the more Nova poked at him, the guiltier he acted.

"Nova, you know I can't talk to you about Sirius," he told her one day, wearily. "If you want to know all these things about him, why don't you ask him yourself?"

"Because," she said, moving a bit closer, watching his ears turn pink. He was getting nervous. "Look me in the eye, right now, Remus, and tell me that Sirius hasn't lied to me, and that he won't lie to me if I ask him about it."

Remus had looked her in the eye as requested, and he tried to hold his ground, but even as he opened his mouth it began to twitch and twist a the strain of the lies, and he sighed, looking away from her, rubbing his temples.

"I promised I would stay out of it, Nova."

"Do the noble thing, Remus. If I need to get out of this relationship, I'd rather you just tell me everything so I can get over it sooner and move on with my life."

He chewed on his lip for a bit, but eventually he did cave, and he told her everything. Nova had half a mind to beg him to stop telling her after a bit, it was just too much to take at once. He actually held her while she cried, but he continued to tell her, because once she got him talking, he couldn't seem to shut up. Perhaps he thought it was kinder, letting her know the whole truth at once. Perhaps he thought she would take it all better this way, knowing everything at once. Perhaps he thought he was honoring her wishes.

"I'm so sorry," Remus whispered, hugging her tight to his chest. "It's his family, you know. He tries and tries to rebel but things like that leave a mark on you. It's his mother, really."

Nova wasn't listening to his words anymore. She was listening to the steady beating of Remus's heart as rested her head against his chest, wiping her eyes, plotting her revenge. But from what she had heard, even Remus didn't know everything, and if she was going to make Sirius regret hurting her, she would need to find out everything somehow….

She would have to do something very illegal.

Thankfully, there was enough time to wipe away her tears before he came to, groaning, blinking up at her, his gray eyes clear of the potion. She tapped her fingers on his bedside table absently.

"I can't believe you did that to Mary," Nova whispered. "And not even James knows about it. What kind of sick person are you?"

Sirius sat up quickly, eyes wide.

"What?"

"You just told me what you did, what actually happened to Mary MacDonald," Nova said harshly.

His eyes searched her face, his own skin going dangerously pale.

"What did you do?" he demanded. She nodded to the vial next to him, next to his firewhiskey. He frowned, sniffing it gingerly. She knew he would smell nothing. The clear liquid was odorless. "That's illegal," he said softly.

"I had to get the truth somehow," she said darkly. "And I knew you weren't giving it to me any other way."

He looked up at her with pained eyes. At least she had managed to keep Remus out of it, to absolve him of all he'd told her. Now she wouldn't be responsible for ruining their friendship. It would be a poor way to repay him for his help.

Sirius groaned, sitting up, squinting at her. It seemed to Nova in that moment that the beauty she had once seen in him was gone, and she wondered if it had ever been there at all. He leaned in a bit closer, hand outstretched, but she backed away and he sighed, moving the hand instead to run his fingers through his hair.

"I would say I'm sorry-"

"But you're not," Nova said dully. She was horrified at the flatness in her voice. How could she be so calm, so unaffected by this? She ought to be holding a knife to his throat.

Sirius groaned, rubbing the heel of his hand into his eyebrow viciously.

"Nova, I wish…. I do wish that this hadn't happened."

Well, that was obvious. Nova could have handled the cheating. She would have been devastated, but it wasn't the cheating that really got to her. The way he went about it all, the girls he chose, how he destroyed them…. And Mary.

Nova now had all his secrets in her hands, things even his best friends didn't know, things that could ruin him forever, possibly even land him in prison.

"The question becomes," she said softly, still trying to decide exactly how to proceed. She wished the potion had lasted longer. "Where do we go from here? Because we can't stay together."

Sirius looked at her with a stricken look she hadn't expected, although perhaps she should have.

"Nova, I love you," he said softly, earnestly.

"I know," she said, feeling her throat tighten around the words. He'd said that under the influence of the potion. He'd said it over, and over, and over, and it had made her feel sick and pained and her eyes had filled with tears she'd been unable to control. She could already feel them coming on. "But it's not enough."

She hated how much it hurt to watch his face change, twist, fall. Everything would have been so much easier if he'd been indifferent to her, or if he only cared about her as much as the next girl, but he loved her and she knew he wasn't lying about it. He couldn't have lied if he'd wanted to. In spite of herself, she loved him a bit as well, but how could she stay with him, knowing what he had done, knowing what he was?

"So what do we do?" Sirius asked, his voice tight and full of pain that Nova wished he couldn't feel. Part of her wanted to hurt him, but to have him be hurt over something like this wasn't right. He was not suffering from remorse, but rather from the loss of her love. Except she still loved him. But he didn't need to know that.

"They need to know," Nova said softly.

"Nova, please."

"How can you hurt people like that?" she asked, turning to look at him again. She wished she hadn't, because his eyes were drawing her in. Nova's nose flared as she tried to force herself to say what needed to be said. "They're going to find out eventually."

"Most of them don't," he admitted, smiling sort of sheepishly. "Look, Nova, I can understand if you…. Well, I guess I don't really understand because I love you and it's a bit blinding, but I realize you don't want to…you don't want to be with me anymore. But can we just keep all of this…between us? That's where it belongs, isn't it?"

He was wrong. That wasn't where it belonged. The world deserved to know.

But Nova decided that earning Sirius's trust for now wouldn't hurt, that biding her time and looking for a way to help the girls he was hurting quietly, privately, would be better for them in the long run, and then she could expose him. Besides, she couldn't expose him right away, couldn't bare his guilt on the spot. For one thing, her pride wouldn't allow her own image to be pulled in with his taint. It wasn't that she had her sights on anything in particular, but she wanted to feel clean when she did.

More importantly, she wasn't sure she could do a good job yet, not until she no longer felt that she loved him.

"So this is it?" he finally asked, reaching out to touch her hand. Without even thinking, Nova pulled her hand away, watching as his eyes filled with pain.

"Yes," she said firmly. "This is it. Between us. But we're done."

"I wish…."

"Don't," Nova said, getting up, frowning at him. "Don't lie to me, Sirius Black. I can put up with a lot, but I can't abide lies."

He just watched her, his face turning cold as they stared at each other. After a moment, she could no longer look at him, and she left him alone in his room, the burning of pain in his eyes burrowed in her soul.


	2. Whatever You Want

_Their self-image is low_

_Go on and say they're beautiful._

_Say that they're sexy and they'll do_

_Whatever you, whatever you want._

Straightening her hair out, Nova looked at herself in the mirror. She'd gotten much better about how she looked at herself, how she thought about herself. On the best of days she actually thought she was rather pretty. But there were still bad days, still moments when she thought of throwing herself off the highest turret she could find, still mornings when she'd rather gouge out her own eyes than look at herself in a mirror.

Thankfully, this was not one of those days. She smoothed her skirt and hurried down to breakfast, where she helped herself to food, not looking around her.

Not much had changed, although she'd broken up with Sirius a long time ago. Everyone was still convinced that she was in good with him, and that they would either have to appeal to her for a boost with him, or that they had to…get her out of the way. Nova found it tiring, and part of the problem was that she was pretty sure Sirius was still in love with her. That had its uses, of course.

He was very nice to her, was totally honest with her, and confided in her about literally everything. The utter honesty was perhaps a ploy to win her back, but since all he was doing was putting more and more incriminating information in her hands Nova wasn't about to point out that it was hopeless, trying to win her over again. She simply lent a feigned-sympathetic ear to all his troubles and made mental notes on everything.

Not to mention, Sirius's approval came with a certain amount of protection. Nova didn't need protection, exactly, as she was very good at taking care of herself, but it was nice not to have to defend herself around every corner. The Marauders had their uses.

"Good morning," Lily said with a yawn as she sat across from Nova. "Remus was looking for you in the common room. I told him I hadn't seen you get up, so he's probably still looking."

Nova shrugged. She wasn't too bothered. Soon enough he would start to think she was at breakfast, or one of the other boys would get too hungry to wait and drag him down to the Great Hall. Lily raised her eyebrows as she put some kippers on her plate.

"You could be a little more sensitive, Nova," Lily said, not unkindly. "I know you think everyone should be as tough as you, but some people have a lot to go through."

It wasn't Lily's fault that Nova wanted to punch her pretty nose in at that moment. Lily didn't know of Nova's struggles, of everything she had gone through. Only Sirius and Remus knew, and she regretted ever telling either of them. Of course, Remus's struggles were more ongoing, but they really didn't have anything to do with her, at least, not as Nova saw it.

Nova didn't like to think of herself as a victim. She knew, somewhere inside of herself, that she was one technically, if she really thought about it. She had become a victim from the moment she'd been dragged unwillingly into an alleyway. But Nova didn't seen any good in thinking of herself that way. Surely it would lead to nothing but wallowing in self-pity and then everyone knowing what had happened. She didn't want that pity. She didn't want anyone to know.

Many things could have been said to Lily, but Nova couldn't think of any she could say without sounding like a bitch in her current frame of mind, so she shoved potatoes into her mouth instead.

"Good morning, ladies," James said smoothly, sitting down next to Nova. "Remus was looking for you, Carmichael."

"Noted," Nova chirped when she'd swallowed her potatoes.

"Lilyflower," James said with a grin, and Lily glanced up at the high table to make sure no teachers were looking before using her fork to flick potatoes at James's glasses. This made him beam all the brighter.

"Piss off, Potter," Lily groaned.

Despite how it might have seemed that morning, James and Lily had been dating for two months.

She must not have slept well, swearing at him and physically – essentially – pranking him. Nova knew that Lily understood that James found it excessively attractive when she did both of these things. Perhaps she was doing it on purpose.

"Have I ever told you that you're a vision of loveliness?" James cooed. "A creature of absolutely divine-"

"No one wants your crappy poetry, Prongs," Sirius grumbled, sitting on the other side of James. "Morning, Evans, Nova." He tipped some sausages onto his plate. "Remus is looking-"

"I know," Nova said, not sharply. Lily gave Nova a very significant look, but Nova had never learned to read her friend's significant looks. Was this one the one where she was not doing something she was supposed to do, or the one where she was doing something she wasn't supposed to do?

The issue could easily be that she wasn't being rude to Sirius, as Lily often thought Nova ought to be. Lily didn't approve of the fact that Nova and Sirius didn't behave how she thought exes should behave. She also didn't approve of the fact that Nova wasn't more attentive to Remus.

"Fine," she sighed, pushing away her half-touched plate. "I bequeath my kippers to James, since he's the only nice one here. I'll find Remus if it will make you all happy."

Sirius gave her a confused, hurt look, but she ignored him. He had no right to give her that look.

She ran into Remus halfway back to the common room, and he grinned at her with a tired grin, pulling her into a nearby classroom.

"You look beautiful this morning, Nova," he croaked.

Although they had dated for nearly four months, Nova still couldn't stand being around Remus right after a full moon. He made her feel guilty, like she was supposed to be suffering with him, when all she wanted was to be happy. Of course, she never said this to him. He was someone experiencing a constant and unhealthy state of guilt, so she smiled at him and touched his lined face.

"How was last night?" she asked.

It didn't look like a too bad one, from what she could see. Some months he came back looking like he'd experienced the grave itself. This month looked more like he'd had a bad head cold that kept him up all night.

"A couple of new scars on my back but nothing worse," he muttered, still smiling at her. "You look…so beautiful."

Nova would have rolled her eyes, but that would have been excessively rude.

Most days, Nova didn't mind dating Remus. She wouldn't have said she was in love with him or anything, but she really liked being around him right before the full moon when he was excessively domineering and hated being around him when he was just coming off the full moon: when he was excessively sweet.

Remus kissed the corner of her mouth, grinning against her skin.

What was it about men that they were so pleased with such simple interactions? The gesture ignited nothing in Nova, but she allowed him to kiss her back.

Remus was a wonderful boyfriend, attentive, caring, passively agreeable to everything she wanted and suggested. Lily, who was admittedly very happy with James, said frequently how lucky Nova was to finally be dating a guy who really treated her right.

Except Nova didn't feel lucky, nor did she think that this was "right." It didn't feel like right ought to feel, she thought. Still, Nova stayed with Remus, because she was moderately happy, and why would she make him unhappy when she wasn't?

"Sometimes," he said, pulling away from her to smile down at her, "I still can't believe how lucky I am."

Luck really had nothing to do with it. He had, completely innocently, asked her if she'd like to go to Hogsmeade, and she'd been unable to go. So he just kissed her on the spot, not thinking about the fact that it was her anniversary with her ex-boyfriend, not thinking of anything apparently, because when she asked him why he did it afterward he said it was because she looked sad and beautiful.

Because Nova hadn't minded Remus and hadn't minded his kissing her, she kissed him back. And the next thing she knew, they were dating. And it wasn't so bad, most days.

"Ugh, cut the sap, Remus," she sighed, pulling back and leaning against the stone wall of the classroom. He moved toward her, like they were attached somewhere by a cord and he could only get so far away from her before he had to follow. "You know I hate it when you're mushy."

She did care for Remus, even if in moments like this it was hard to remember it. He had been a dear friend to her before they'd started dating, and now he was a special sort of dear friend, the kind you snogged in empty corridors and told some of your secrets to. Perhaps she'd told him too many of her secrets in their early stages, and it was too late to take them back now, but she still enjoyed the snogging in the corridors, and even let him hold her hand sometimes.

"You didn't seem to mind when Sirius was mushy to you," he said, frowning slightly as though they didn't have this discussion every month.

Nova just looked at him. She was tired of reminding him that he wasn't really dating the same girl Sirius had. How could someone hear the things Sirius had said to her and still be the same afterwards? Just knowing that a boy like that had touched her made her feel dirty, and still sometimes when she was with Remus in some secluded part of the castle she caught herself wishing Sirius would touch her again.

And she didn't want to think of that in this moment, when Remus was looking at her with his tired face, making her feel pathetic.

"You should eat breakfast," Nova finally said in the most level voice she could summon. Remus's eyes flashed with a bit of hurt, but she knew he would get over it, and by the time a month had nearly passed he would be pushing her into secluded corners with a desperation she was always surprised to find that he possessed, snogging her like the world was ending. Nova wouldn't have thought of herself as sex-crazed or anything, but that was her favorite time of every month, when Remus seemed to really desire her, to need her, in a way that was almost purely physical. Perhaps there was something inherently pathetic about that as well, but she was tired of feeling pathetic, of thinking of herself in that way. It was too much for one morning.

"I had a bit in the hospital wing," he said vaguely.

She knew he'd only had a piece of toast and a few spoonfulls of porridge. He never had much of an appetite after the full moon. But if she was going to be his girlfriend, she had to give something back in their relationship, if only to feel better about herself. She had designated herself as the person to ensure that he took care of himself during the more difficult parts of the month, knowing that he wouldn't take care of himself properly, and she had a feeling that he enjoyed the fact that she mothered him a bit. She had a distinct feeling that he took even less care of himself, knowing that it would force her to do more in return. Nova didn't like the thought that he would do this, but she assuaged her discomfort by assuring herself that it was all subconscious on his part.

When they arrived at breakfast, Remus sat her down across from Sirius, and then sat beside her, his arm around her waist as she loaded up his plate. She bit back an exclamation of annoyance as he rested his chin on her shoulder. Nova didn't like all this affection so early in the morning, and she glanced up at Sirius, who seemed amused at her predicament.

It took everything she had, then not to lash out and hit them both. Particularly Sirius, who had absolutely no right to take amusement in her suffering. He had no right to have anything to do with her at all. He had no right to still have a claim on her the way he did, and it drove her mad. Someday she would manage to turn everything back on him, and the look on his face would make all this suffering worthwhile. But until then, it felt at times to be too unbearable to be worth it.

Lily was looking at her kippers with a sour expression, when she wasn't turning that expression on Nova and Sirius.

If anyone didn't understand what was going on with Sirius and Nova, it was Remus, but Lily was a close second. Lily didn't even have Remus's excellent excuse of jealousy to hold her over, but Nova tried to forgive Lily all the same. There was no reason Lily should be able to understand why Nova and Sirius were both so free and so awkward with each other all at once. Perhaps just after they broke up there was some sense in it, but after as long as they had been apart Nova imagined that it would be difficult for someone like Lily, someone sensible and rational, to understand.

"Nova," Sirius said, poking a little at one of the sausages on his plate, "I think we should talk about some stuff in our Ancient Runes spare."

Nova didn't want to talk about some stuff, knowing it would be something about sexual exploits and the complications of balancing many girls at once. But she needed to know. She needed to know everything, and she needed to let Sirius give her everything he was willing to give so she could file it away for later.

Perhaps he foolishly thought he would be impressed by all the details she was given about his exploits, that she would want him back with all she knew. The more she knew, though, the less she wanted him, so maybe it was good for her to sit and listen to him talk. Maybe it was therapeutic in some way, to be constantly reminded why she'd left him in the first place.

"Sure," she said, watching his sausage being stabbed instead of looking at his perfectly formed face. She wondered what it would be like to physically hurt him sometimes. Except the physical pain wouldn't last unless she did something very, very illegal like an Unforgivable, or a Dark curse. And Nova didn't think he was worth that sort of thing. Emotional pain would linger longer, hurt him more, and give her more long-term satisfaction, however temporarily satisfying it might be to stab him or curse him or even shove him off something especially tall.

Lily was giving Nova a knowing, disappointed look and Remus did tense slightly, but Remus knew she was not sleeping with Sirius in these talking sessions. He didn't know what she was doing and he didn't understand why Nova wanted to be around Sirius after what he'd done, but Remus did know that Nova despised Sirius for how he had treated her.

But then, Remus despised him a bit for the same reasons, and the two of them were still very close friends, so he really had no right to judge her.

"Nice weather today," James said, either thinking of Quidditch or trying to diffuse the ever-thickening tension at the table as Peter sat down on the other side of Sirius. Nova looked up, frowning a little, and then glanced over at Sirius, who was watching her with thoughtful eyes.

She hated his thoughtful eyes. They were his most attractive expression.

"Yes," Lily said, grasping at the straws James had tossed in the air. "Yes, it's beautiful out. Perhaps we should all go down to the lake this afternoon, after classes."

Nova had no desire to spend more time at the lake, but when her friends all agreed with this plan, she agreed to. It was better to be doing something she didn't really care for than to spend too much time alone with her thoughts. Besides, if she decided not to go then Remus would not go, and being stuck alone with an overly affectionate Remus was perhaps worse than being alone with her thoughts. Sirius continued to watch her.

It was taking too long, gathering all the information she needed. Despite the fact that she hated him more with every day, she also still felt that strong, familiar pull when he was around, and she wondered which urge she would give into before it drove her mad entirely.

Phase two, she decided as she turned back to shoveling food onto Remus's plate, was about to be implemented. It was the only safe and reasonable thing to do, for the sake of her sanity and for the sake of all the girls she had on her list.

But she ought to wait, she decided, watching Remus faithfully and loyally eat the food she'd put in front of him, until she'd had her chat with Sirius later that day. For all she knew, there were more names to add to the list, and more urgent things to deal with before she began phase two. It never hurt to be absolutely and positively sure of something. Thoroughness, as Nova had learned from Lily Evans a thousand times over, always paid off in the end, whether it was exams or revenge.

And Nova was looking very a very big payoff of the most just kind.


	3. No One's Hands Clean

_And isn't it strange how we're all caught in_

_This little game with no one's hands clean_

From across the library, Nova could see Amanda Denney, a Hufflepuff in their year, as she sketched her assignment for Care of Magical Creatures.

Amanda was an incredible artist, quite talented. Her long, dark hair flowed over her face. For a Hufflepuff, Nova didn't think that Amanda was especially sweet or kind or anything like that, but she was stubbornly loyal. Nova knew this because she knew that Amanda knew something of Sirius's exploits but was still letting him use her, and others.

Nova hated to think what it would be like, to possess that kind of twisted, zealous loyalty. But perhaps Amanda didn't know the whole of the story.

Sirius liked to impress Amanda. He had told Nova, while under Veritaserum, of how he had broken into a Ministry building after working hours and brought her along, for no other reason than it was interesting. And then, because he was a Black and basically immune to all consequences for his actions, he got both of them off without any legal repercussions. Nova really didn't know if Amanda had been especially impressed by the incident, but it hadn't scared her away.

Nova didn't know exactly when and how Amanda and Sirius had gotten together, not that she especially wanted to. They'd been seeing each other when Nova and Sirius started seeing each other, and had been for some time if Nova was any judge of the matter. And it hadn't seemed to falter at all since.

The sickest part about the whole thing, though, was the fact that it seemed that Amanda had come into the whole mess knowing that Sirius was seeing at least one other girl, and not caring at all. She had told Nova once, when Nova tried to talk to her about the affairs Sirius was carrying on behind all their backs, that she had known from the start what he was and that she hadn't expected any different from him.

Of course, it was mostly meant as a stinging stab at Nova. The two girls had never liked each other, and Nova had even tried to ease the issues between them when she thought that Amanda Denney was a fellow victim of Sirius's terrible behavior. But Amanda Denney wanted nothing to do with Nova.

Perhaps Amanda knew what Nova knew: that Sirius loved Nova and he'd never loved Amanda.

Amanda was a diversion, entertainment, a way of getting over a girl who'd graduated the year before Sirius and Nova got together, the only other girl Sirius had ever been serious about, from what Nova could gather. Amanda was not stupid, and she saw more of Sirius than most of his "girlfriends" did. She had to know that Sirius was still pining over Nova, and that his interest in Amanda was merely superficial.

Nova really didn't understand Sirius's interest in Amanda, if she was being truthful with herself. Amanda had dirty blonde, curly hair that was frizzy and not especially attractive. She had freckles to the point where her face looked more muddy than dusted. Her eyes weren't even that attractive of a shade of green. Nova didn't think she was particularly good looking herself, but she thought even less of Amanda Denney, and she liked to think that it had very little to do with the fact that they'd shared Sirius…and Amanda had known about it.

The root of the problem went a bit deeper. Amanda Denney had been one of the first people Nova had met on the Hogwarts Express in her first year, and she'd thought they were getting on well. In fact, Nova had rather thought that the two of them would be friends, but when they were Sorted into different Houses, it was like Amanda Denney wanted nothing to do with Nova Carmichael. She had made new friends, and while Nova had not expected such a shunning from a Hufflepuff, it had quickly disillusioned her that Hogwarts wasn't as simple as she might have naively supposed. The world was grossly complex, and that should have been her first clue, all those years ago, that sometimes simplicity wouldn't be enough.

Like with Sirius, and with falling out of love with Sirius.

Amanda Denney was sitting there in the library, and completely unaware that Nova was trying to decide what to do about her, how or if to figure her into the revenge plans. The plans were complex enough and still lacking a reasonable catalyst without dragging Amanda into it. But Nova wasn't sure…. Either she included her in Phase 2, or had her be, like, Phase 3.5. Make her one of the wronged, or one of the guilty. It was a difficult decision. And perhaps it shouldn't be.

Nova was partly to blame. She sat there watching, and she knew that no matter what she thought of and muddled over before leaving the library that she would make not further attempts to save Amanda Denney from herself. That might make Nova guilty in a sense, knowing that she hadn't tried as much as she could, as much as maybe she should. She traced her fingers over the wood grain of the table she sat at, watching Amanda purse her lips and frown.

Amanda wasn't a nice person, though. Nova couldn't bring herself to feel sorry for someone who was such a bitch.

For example, there were only a few slots in the Healer Training Program every year. It was competitive. It was difficult. And Amanda Denney had actually made everyone in Hufflepuff promise not to apply, even though one of the other girls would have made an excellent Healer, because it was apparently her dream. Nova knew that Amanda Denney didn't care about Healing in the sense that she wanted to help people. She wanted the prestige, the challenge, the gold. It was as simple as that. And it all made Nova sick, Nova who had worked so hard for everything she'd ever had.

The very idea that Nova would have ever asked Lily Evans or anyone else in Gryffindor not to do something because she wanted it was unthinkable. If she earned something she was going to earn it, and that was that.

Perhaps this wasn't a good enough reason not to try, just one more time, to reach out to Amanda Denney about Sirius's behavior, to try to save her to some extent, as much as someone complicit can be saved. Nova pursed her lips and squinted thoughtfully at Amanda as the Hufflepuff scratched thoughtfully at a constellation of freckles on her cheek.

Guilt was a strange concept, and felt especially fickle in the situation Nova found herself in. She could condemn Amanda Denney to some kind of ruin, or watch her dig her own grave. Or she could actually try to help her out of it, and then it would be in Amanda's hands entirely. How much effort was enough before you gave up on a person, and should you try harder with those you liked than with those you couldn't stand?

Nova imagined Amanda Denney as a Healer someday, Nova's life in her hands. Nova wasn't sure how plausible this imagined scenario actually was, but she liked to think that if that day came Amanda Denney would do her vow and do everything possible to keep Nova alive. Whether or not she believed Amanda would do this was not the question. Nova wanted to believe it.

Surely that want, that desire, should in turn make Nova want to do everything possible to keep Amanda out of harm when everything worked out in her plans to ruin Sirius Black. Amanda would not come out looking well if Nova didn't at least try, and if Nova did try and failed, well, it would be no one's fault but Amanda's that she came out looking even worse.

Somehow, her feet were still glued to the floor of the library, just as her eyes were glued to where Amanda's fingernail was repeatedly scrapping at the mass of freckles on her cheek.

"There you are."

Nova started to find Remus sitting down across from her, grinning. She blinked at him.

"Were you looking for me?" she asked.

This was an uncomfortable thought. Remus knew nothing of her plans, and she liked it that way. This would all take so much longer if she had to avoid Remus to get it all done.

"Yes," he said, frowning slightly. Was there something wrong with her face? Was she giving away the fact that she wanted him to leave? He followed her brief sideways glance over to where Amanda was sitting and lowered his voice. "Ah. What exactly has she done now?"

"Nothing new," Nova said, narrowing her eyes and glancing back over at Amanda, who was still oblivious that she was being watched. How could such an unaware girl have known what Sirius was before Nova did? This seemed the most insulting thing that Amanda had ever done to Nova, and the worst thing was that Nova was sure that Amanda knew this fact, and had known it long before Nova had.

"I wish you would just let go of…whatever this grudge is between the two of you," Remus said with a small sight. Nova didn't have to look at him to know that he was giving her a sad smile. He tucked a bit of hair behind her ear and she wanted to slap away his hand but didn't. She just stared at Amanda Denney.

"Did you know she's sleeping with Sirius?"

Remus's hand tensed at her face, the way she was sure that the rest of him tensed. He always got uneasy when she talked about Sirius in any way that suggested she still cared about him at all. Perhaps it was because Sirius was still trying to win her over, or perhaps he felt guilty that he'd not told her what he'd known sooner. Nova hoped that at least a little bit of it was guilt. He deserved to feel guilty about that, especially if he was going to touch her now.

"Yes, I did."

There was a problem, Nova knew, with pulling away from his touch too quickly after he said those words, and so she waited a few beats before slowly pulling away. She didn't want him to think she was still in love with Sirius. She turned her eyes to his.

"Why did you not tell me that? When you told me everything else?"

Remus's eyes were filled with hurt that she did her best to ignore. If she didn't ignore his pain once in a while she would never accomplish anything but what he wanted her to do. It seemed everything she wanted caused him some sort of pain.

"Would it have made a difference," he asked softly, "knowing? You would have still broken up with him, wouldn't you? You would have still been angry and upset, and perhaps you would have even hurt Amanda, and then you would have gotten in trouble at the least, expelled at the worst, and I hated seeing you in that kind of pain as it was. What good would have come from it?"

Nova let her eyes wander back over to Amanda Denney.

Only not having to hear it from Sirius's drugged lips. Only not having to be totally shocked by the sound of Amanda's name in the list of girls he was sleeping with, the list of girls he had been with while he was supposedly exclusive with Nova.

The list had been too long as it was, but that blow was just too painful.

Nova glanced back at Remus, and he was watching her with concern and a little bit of fear.

"Did you know that she knew about me?" Nova said, her voice a bit pained.

He hesitated. That hesitation said all she needed to hear before he told her that yes, he knew that she knew.

Nova, realistically, could only be held so responsible for whatever pain Amanda Denney suffered when Stage 3 went into effect. At Remus's quiet, ashamed words she knew this somewhere instinctively within her. Perhaps she was a bit guilty for not trying harder to erase herself of guilt, but Amanda Denney knew what he was. She knew exactly what she was doing, what she was getting herself into, all the people she was hurting, and she slept with him anyway. Nova flattered herself that it was some sort of personal stab in their ongoing backstabbing duel, but she could have just been an added bonus in the carnage.

Well, Amanda could just be an added bonus in Nova's carnage, then. Whenever that day came.

"Nova, whatever you're thinking, please don't," Remus whispered, covering one of her hands with both of his. His touch was quivering and tender, in that way that Remus always touched her when he was worried about her. "She doesn't even deserve your attention."

Nova smirked a little and said, "That actually happens to be exactly what I was just thinking."

His eyes were confused but hardly concealing the surprised pleasure he obviously felt when she laced her fingers between his hand lifted that hand to her lips, kissing each of his knuckles in turn. He obviously had issues with the fact that she was so pleased about leaving someone alone, particularly Amanda Denney, but he also was enjoying the fact that she was giving him affection, something he obviously craved but she rarely gave, just by nature of her being tired of such empty motions like the ones Sirius had given her.

"She's not going to be in the hospital wing tomorrow, is she?" Remus asked with a nervous smile as he watched Nova rest her cheek against the back of his hand. She chuckled.

"Now, whatever would give you that thought?" she teased, and his eyes widened, his face growing incredibly serious.

"Nova, please…."

She laughed again, kissing his hand once more.

"Relax, Remus. I don't even know how to get into the Hufflepuff Common Room, and I know Sirius doesn't know either, as much as he'd like to make me think that he does."

Remus frowned slightly.

She'd learned that tidbit with the Veritaserum as well, but she hadn't seen the need to inform Sirius that he'd let that leak.

"Nova, I've tried very hard not to bring this up," he said softly, his eyes flickering over to Amanda Denney as the girl gathered her things and sauntered out of the library. Nova frowned slightly at her nemesis's exit, but kept her attention on Remus. She didn't want to talk about what she knew he was going to say, but she knew that this talk was long overdue so she didn't try to stop him. He sighed. "I know Sirius is still in love with you, and I think you know it as much as you pretend not to notice." Nova tried not to laugh at that, just watching him, waiting. Finally, he said, "I don't want him to win you over again."

"Do you remember what he did to me?" Nova said coldly.

Remus nodded and said quickly, "But he is persuasive, Nova. And he's persistent. And I'm just worried that eventually he'll atone for what he's done and then you'll maybe…maybe want him back."

Nova could almost feel her blood boiling inside her as she sat forward and squeezed Remus's hand in an icy way. She hissed at him, "Let me make one thing entirely plain, Remus. I will never, ever want Sirius back." He blinked at her and smiled slightly. He was relieved. He had the gall to be relieved when she was nothing short of furious.

She was telling the absolute truth, though. The last thing she could ever imagine was letting Sirius have another chance with her. Sooner or later he would recognize that the best he was going to get was a very close friendship that he played at already. And even that, on her side, would be just another lie.

"Let's go back to the common room," she said dully, and she took Remus's hand, standing and watching, bored, as he scrambled to his feet.

The walk back was silent, and she barely noticed the feel of Remus walking so close to her that she would have normally swatted him away, annoyed. Nova was still fixated on Amanda Denney.

Perhaps it was a little too delicious, thinking of the many ways Amanda might suffer, the many things that could hurt both Amanda and Sirius, that could vilify them both. Even though Nova felt comfortable that she wasn't at fault, that she couldn't really bear any of the guilt, she knew that this would be the ultimate victory scenario. Bringing down Sirius and Amanda together, finally bringing justice to her nemesis and the boy who had hurt so many girls….

Remus gave the Fat Lady the password and Sirius caught Nova's eye, his face falling slightly as it always did when he saw her holding hands with Remus. He didn't even bother trying to gather his spirits again. He stared at her, his gray eyes full of longing and regret.

Suffering, he'd told her a while back. He was suffering for what he had done to her, what he was still doing to so many others. Nova had thought it amusing that he'd used that word, and still found it a bit entertaining to watch that expression in his eyes.

If he thought this was suffering, if he thought this was his penance for what he'd done, what he was doing, then he would have a very rude awakening. She could barely contain the smile threatening to turn at her lips as she met his gaze. Sirius Black might not being having it easy, but thus far he knew absolutely nothing about suffering. And Nova Carmichael was anxious to acquaint him with it.


	4. I'll Bet You Wish

_I'll bet you wish you weren't guilty_

_Just for a little bit to know what it feels like_

Nova held perfectly still as Sirius lit the joint dangling from her lips. She wouldn't call her smoking a habit. She only did it when she was alone with Sirius, something to keep him pliable, to produce the feeling of kinship between them that she always tried so hard to maintain. She took a long, slow drag, holding the smoke in her lungs before passing the joint to Sirius. He took a similar drag.

As he moved the joint from his lips, Nova exhaled through her nose, the smoke billowing from her nostrils in the way she knew was sexy. He leaned just a little bit closer, exhaling mostly through his nose, just a little bit leaking from his barely-parted lips.

"What do you want to do today, starshine?"

She tried not to groan at the nickname she'd found so endearing before she hated him. Nova had asked him a dozen times to stop calling her starshine, but he didn't seem to care. Perhaps he was hoping that reminders of their happy memories would tilt the scales in his favor.

"Why don't we go to the owlery and feed owls?" she offered, desperate for some change of pace and too tired to remind him not to call her starshine.

They lingered in his dormitory for another twenty minutes, smoking the joint to completion together. Nova knew Sirius liked smoking with her because she became more lax with him. She allowed his fingertips to trace the skin on her belly where her shirt would ride up as they stretched out on his bed. She let him smell her hair. She let him get so much closer than he was normally allowed.

When she was sober, she convinced herself that it was a ruse, but when she was high she felt the pull of his closeness in a way she thought trumped all. Perhaps Remus was more right about it than she wanted to give him credit for. Perhaps she was having a harder time than she liked to believe in letting go of Sirius.

"We should change," Nova said, scrunching up her nose as she sat up. "We smell like pot."

"We could shower."

"I'm not showering with you, Sirius," Nova said sharply.

Even in the pleasant haze of the joint, Nova knew she had boundaries, knew there were lines she didn't want to cross with him.

They did change, though, and in front of each other and everything. Sirius stripped down to his boxers first and Nova felt her breath catch as she caught the familiar sight of his well-toned body, the skin she knew every inch of so well. Before she did something stupid, she turned away and pulled off her top. She shimmied out of her skirt and grabbed some of her things that she kept in Remus's trunk for just such occasions. Before she put on the fresh shirt but after she'd zipped up the new skirt, she turned to see Sirius gazing at her with hungry longing.

Nova paused, and she instantly regretted it. The sight of his longing had startled her, aroused her, and she remembered how easy it had been once to let that longing consume her. Sirius took a step toward her in the moment of hesitation, arm slightly outstretched, and she quickly came to herself, pulling on her top, turning away from him again, taking a few deep breaths to steady herself.

She was dancing a dangerously thin line with Sirius, but she saw no other way to do what she had to do.

"Right," Sirius said, clearing his throat a moment after. "Right, let's go to the owlery, then. Do you have treats?"

"They have them there," she reminded him tersely.

This wasn't going well. He could feel the tension, the wall building between them. She knew he would understand that he wasn't winning her over at all soon enough, and then she would be high and dry, trying to accomplish something that would be impossible if he caught on.

But Sirius opened the door for her and followed her down the stairs like that moment of desire hadn't happened.

Walking in the corridors with Sirius was a casual, comfortable thing to do, even after all that had happened between them. They didn't have to speak with each other, didn't have to do anything at all. They walked a little closer together when they were high than Nova would have permitted sober, but no one else would think a thing of it. Everyone thought that Nova and Sirius were incredibly good friends. So they walked fairly close together. So what?

That was the party line. She knew that Sirius's mind was likely still on the curve of her topless body, still imagining placing kisses on her skin.

They had just begun to descend the marble staircase to the entrance hall when Nova saw a girl she'd never spoken much to, a girl who was actually a Slytherin, but easily Nova's favorite Slytherin. Lauren Greene was their year, with long, dark hair and incredibly pale skin that allowed her to be almost pretty for a Slytherin girl in her year. Striking was perhaps a better word. Nova didn't feel pretty most days, but she always thought she was prettier than Lauren Greene.

"What's wrong?" Sirius asked when Nova froze on the staircase. He turned to follow her gaze, and when he saw Lauren Greene approaching the staircase from down the entrance hall he paled slightly. Even high, he knew that this could only put a damper on their short hours together. Nova knew that Lauren and Sirius were sleeping together, and he knew that she knew this. She liked to tease him about it when no one else was around, because she was the only person who knew he'd bedded a Slytherin. He was a bit ashamed of it, but that didn't stop him from it.

"Sirius!" Lauren said, blushing ever-so-slightly (Nova didn't think the girl's cheeks ever got pinker, though) as she glanced between Sirius and Nova. "I was just…."

"Catch me up, Sirius," Nova said, walking quickly down the marble steps. She could see, out of the corner of her eye as she passed Lauren that the girl had been blinking at her with a sort of pleasant surprise.

It certainly kept up the appearance that Nova was Sirius's closest friend other than James, that he told her everything. Nobody knew about Sirius and Lauren, and yet here Nova was giving them space.

"You told her?" she heard Lauren hiss as Nova turned the corner and stood just outside the heavy doors out of the castle.

Nova didn't know exactly what had happened to Lauren Greene, but she was a half-blood bastard child of some pureblooded man who was likely a Death Eater (because so few purebloods weren't anymore). She had to go to family events, but she didn't get treated with the sort of almost-respect pureblooded women did. Sirius had met her at such events, and was the only person who treated her kindly.

Because he knew, it seemed, that Lucius Malfoy had raped her not a week prior and that she would be easy to woo with kindness.

Sirius bought Lauren Greene paint supplies every holiday and birthday. Nova felt a bit bitter about that. He'd never remembered her birthday, never given her a thing on a holiday. Perhaps he took for granted that she loved him, that they had a normal relationship that was stronger than his petty bribes, but Nova had thought they were in love as well and people in love gave gifts.

He did not buy things for all of his girlfriends, so there had to be something about Lauren Greene. Nova had long suspected that it was their shared issues with their psychotic and dark families. Nova hadn't had an easy home life, but it was a different sort of hard from what Sirius and Lauren had grown up with, and perhaps Lauren was a sort of pet project for him.

Whatever affection might exist, if any, however, Nova knew for an absolute fact that Sirius did not love Lauren Greene, and she was almost certain that Lauren was dependent upon him. He'd done a few things to impress her in their early days of sleeping together, including using Dark Magic.

Nova's blood chilled slightly at the thought of that, using Dark Magic to impress a girl. He'd tried it once with Nova, during sex, tried using Dark Magic on her to increase her pleasure right up to the threshold of pain, but the look she had given him after he'd done it – rather successfully, actually – had made him swear up and down he would never try it again, that he didn't know it was Dark.

That he didn't know it was the sort of spell Dark Wizards perfected testing it on Muggles and Muggleborns under the direction of Grindelwald.

She had found out later that he used the spell regularly on Lauren, or had when he cared enough to impress her, and that he knew exactly what it was and how it worked and who invented it.

Sirius was not a Dark person, not in the way Lucius Malfoy so obviously was. He was adamantly not chasing after that part of his heritage. But Sirius was selfish, and enjoyed making use of whatever he had at his disposal to get what he wanted, damn the consequences. Nova thought there was something sinister about that, even if he couldn't see it.

He was taking his time with Lauren now; that was certain. Perhaps they had snuck into a broom cupboard. Nova sighed, taking a cigarette case from her bag and touching one of the carefully rolled joints she kept. Perhaps, to remind Sirius of whose attention he was trying to retain, she would smoke another with him after the owls. The thought actually made her feel a bit sick, but she knew that she would be unlikely to feel the nausea when she had weed in her system. She even toyed with the idea of smoking while waiting for him, but the front wall of the castle was too out in the open, and she didn't like smoking for something to do.

She instead closed her eyes and tried to think of nothing but the sun on her skin. It wasn't an especially warm sun, but it was a sun nonetheless, and that was something to be cherished in Scotland.

"Hey," Sirius's voice said after maybe another twenty minutes of waiting. "Sorry about that. She…. Yeah."

Nova rolled her eyes.

"C'mon," she demanded, leading the way on toward the owlery. Sirius didn't speak for a long time, and Nova preferred him that way. He followed her closely – too closely – up the slippery, narrow steps of the staircase until they could hear the owls and smell them even more keenly. Nova grabbed some treats from the box at the front, watching as Sirius followed suit, and then followed her into the center of the room.

Nova was not especially maternal or caring, but the owls responded well to her for some reason. Perhaps they had a kinship, the knowledge instinctively that they had both been used over and over and over again. Was that how owls felt? She hoped so. It made her feel much less awkward about what had happened earlier with Sirius, made her feel like she was doing this for a reason, a good reason, and a few slips here and there were nothing compared with the good she was doing by using Sirius right back.

"She likes that you know," Sirius said, bemused. "I don't understand why. She always wanted it to be such a secret."

With a chuckle, Nova fed a treat to a barn owl that had come to sit on her shoulder.

"Oh, Sirius," she sighed, feeling the strangeness of a beak nibbling lovingly at her hand. "Girls think that I'm special to you somehow, and that if you've told me about them, somehow I've approved of them and you're very intent on them."

Sirius moved a bit closer to her, and Nova could almost feel the warmth of his body surrounding her. She closed her eyes and remembered the way he'd looked at her in the dormitory. They'd had sex in the owlery before, and Nova kept telling herself that this wouldn't be the time to let herself break down.

"They're right about one thing," he said softly, touching her shoulder. "You're very, very important to me."

Her eyes snapped open again and she could feel the hatred bubbling up inside of her as she took a step away from him, moving to feed another owl. Sirius sighed with disappointment behind her, and she ignored him for a moment, gathering her thoughts. If she fought with him, it would push him away slightly, but if she did it carefully it might make him thing he had a chance…if circumstances were different. Before she could decide exactly how to frame her harsh words, though, Sirius stepped beside her and said, "Will you ever forgive me?"

She hadn't expected a question like that, hadn't expected it ever, actually. It caught her so off guard that she actually looked up at his eyes, is pained gray eyes, and she frowned slightly.

Of course she would never forgive him, not until the revenge was complete and he was too pathetic not to forgive. First he had to be punished. But she couldn't very well say that out loud.

"I don't know," she said softly. "I…. It's hard, Sirius. Sometimes, I can still hear your voice telling me all those things and…."

He nodded sharply, sternly.

"I'm an idiot," he said softly. "I'm an idiot and I know it. And maybe, maybe I could bring myself to say I'd change everything just to be with you again, and maybe I'd make you believe. Maybe I could even make me believe, for a little while, but I know it's not true. I am what I am, starshine, but it doesn't make me love you any less, doesn't make me need you any less. I wish I could just…just…. I wish we could just be together anyway."

Nova's lips twisted in agonizing anger.

"I'm not Amanda Denney."

Sirius cringed at the name, which gave Nova a stinging sense of satisfaction. He didn't really like Amanda Denney that much, either, not in the way he seemed to like Lauren Greene. Nova would never really understand what it was about Sirius, about why he couldn't just give up his philandering because he loved her. Should that be enough, love? Wasn't it enough?

But it wasn't. Sirius was right, he couldn't stop. She knew he'd tried, really and truly tried when they first split, but it hadn't even lasted a month. She could have been pleased, flattered that she meant that much to him.

She didn't have it in her to go easy on him for trying.

Smiling inwardly, desperate not to let him see how satisfied she was with the easiness of this moment, of how simple it was to make him feel whatever she wanted him to feel, Nova turned her head slightly and pressed her lips to his unshaven cheek. Her breath caught a little as he pressed his lips to her cheek in response, and they just stood there. She hoped he didn't notice how she had reacted as he kissed her skin, even in the almost-innocent way they were lingering.

They stood there for a long time, long enough for Sirius's arm to snake around her waist in a sort of hug, a warm and caring sort of hug that almost made Nova want to cry. She closed her eyes as she leaned into their cheek-kisses a little more, the sides of their faces pressed together with an almost-urgency. She could feel the cool of that summer night, of tears rolling down her cheeks as she did as she was told, too afraid to fight back, not sure what would happen if she just…didn't. If she just looked at her attacker with defiance and refused to do what he said.

Sirius had never treated her like that. Sirius had once or twice pushed more than she would have liked, but if she ever told him no, if she ever just stopped, he wouldn't have hurt her. He would never have struck her, never have killed her, and even with all she would do to him for his sins he would never strike back.

Sirius hurt her because he couldn't help himself, in ways that somehow hurt more than hands clasped tightly around her wrist and the pounding of fear for her life in her chest.

"Nova?" Sirius asked, backing away from her. "Nova, are you all right?"

She opened her eyes and looked up at him, feeling the sting of tears she hadn't noticed as they came unleashed from her lashes and began spilling down her cheeks. She didn't want him to see her like this. Not anymore. Not after what he'd done to her. But she didn't want Remus or Lily or anyone else to see her like this, either. She simply stared at him, feeling a strange choking in her throat, like something welling up, trying to get out, except nothing was there.

"I'm so, so sorry," Sirius muttered, kissing the tracks of tears gently, holding her in a hug as she cried. "I'm so sorry, starshine."

And it was all empty words, but the hugging was real. He wasn't apologizing for what really mattered, and what she was choking on wasn't his to apologize for. And anyway, Nova didn't think much of apologies.

They never got back what was lost, never returned what was stolen, and in the end she still could feel her body in that alleyway, between the brick outer walls of the houses, crying silent tears and saying goodbye to her life, just in case.


	5. Thinking It's Love

_And isn't it strange how we're all caught up_

_In this little game just thinking it's love_

Almost exactly a week after her moment of weakness in the owlery, Nova was sitting on the ledge of the Astronomy Tower, looking down at the grounds at a very small figure below. The proportions were dizzying in a way that was probably dangerous, but Nova didn't mind danger that she had control over. After all, if she felt she was losing her balance at all, she could throw herself backward into the tower, or whip out her wand and slow her descent to the ground.

And it was safest to watch Anna McConnell from far, far away.

Nova really didn't understand Anna McConnell. Sirius's other conquests had minds that were in some way reasonable, understandable, fathomable, even. Anna was simply…delusional.

In a way, Nova should have known that something was going on with Anna while Nova and Sirius were still dating. She hadn't taken the girl's behavior very seriously because, after all, Anna was Katie Ann's age, and lots of younger girls were throwing themselves at Sirius to little or no effect. Anna wasn't especially pretty, not particularly interesting, and so Nova hadn't imagined that Sirius would have any reason to sleep with the girl.

From what Nova had figured out, though, Anna was an attention-starved child whose Muggle parents had no understanding of her gifts whatsoever. Anna was actually a talented, bright, and even brilliant witch. She was top of Ravenclaw in not just her year, but in the years above and below her as well. And, if Nova was feeling generous, she would concede that when Anna McConnell looked pleased about something her face had a semi-attractive glow about it. Usually, she was plain at best, but when she was pleased she could be very nearly pretty.

The smudge on the frostbitten grass below that Nova knew was Anna moved a bit, and Nova tilted her head to see if this angle gave her a better look at what Anna was up to, but no such luck. She was simply too far away. But then, Anna was usually reading. So reading was a safe guess.

Nova picked at a small hole in her sock, just below the bone that juts out just below the knee. Lily would know the name of it. Lily knew the name for everything. Nova didn't care what her bones were called as long as they worked properly.

Being a Muggleborn wasn't always a defining characteristic. Lily, after all, was brilliant, beautiful, charming, kind, and then when people exhausted all of those traits they might mention that she was Muggleborn. Slughorn often did, for instance, in a sort of astonishment he would never admit to being prejudice.

With Anna McConnell, the fact that she was a Muggleborn was one of the first things mentioned. Never mentioned to her face, never mentioned in any extended way, but sort of in a hushed tone to explain something no one ever said. Nova couldn't put her finger exactly on what it was, and couldn't quite decide if it was positive or negative or prejudiced, but she knew as well as anybody else that the fact Anna was a Muggleborn somehow explained that unspoken thing very clearly.

When Nova was trying to reason out Anna, she told herself that it was the fact that Anna's parents didn't understand witchcraft and even seemed somewhat afraid of it that impacted Anna so unspeakably. The girl was eager to please in classes, in a way Lily Evans never had been. Like she had something to prove.

Unlike Sirius's other women, Anna was one that Nova hadn't actually spoken to dead-out about the whole thing. Mostly because when Nova had tried to talk to Anna, all the girl wanted to do was gush about what color Nova would want to wear as a bridesmaid in the wedding Anna was planning with Sirius. No matter what Nova hinted, Anna was absolutely adamant in her delusions that somehow she and Sirius were madly in love.

And they were delusions. From what Nova could gather, the girl hardly saw Sirius during weekdays, and only saw him every other weekend. One thing that Sirius had been careful not to talk about, even with Nova, was marriage. He mentioned it in a roundabout way now that they weren't together, like what their kids would have looked like or how it would have been to wake up next to her every morning.

But never marriage itself, no weddings, no taking of names, no vows.

Nova was pretty sure that vows scared Sirius, and he wouldn't take one without a dare attached to it, unless James asked him to.

She continued to pick at her sock as she watched the figure below, tapping her fingers on the outer wall of the tower in a vaguely familiar rhythm.

"I wish you wouldn't do that," she heard Sirius's familiar voice say softly from across the tower interior.

Nova closed her eyes, leaning her head against the cold stone that framed the part of the ledge she had perched on as his footsteps drew close. She could smell him now, spicy and fresh. He must have been smoking to shower at this point of the day. He came just a little too close, standing beside her, taking her hand, more to assure himself that she wouldn't fall than for any sort of intimate connotation.

"I know," she whispered, her voice sounding small between the cavernous tower and the open air. "Map?"

"Yeah." She ignored the tension in the air, his unspoken pleas. If he wanted something from her, he could ask. He would ask. A lot could be discerned from how long it took him to say those words. Today he was being patient. "Remus was looking for you."

"He's always looking for me," she muttered. "What does he want this time?"

"Dunno. He seemed anxious."

"He's always anxious."

"What are you doing up here, anyway?"

She made the frequent mistake of opening her eyes, looking up at his glossy gray gaze and remembering why she'd closed her eyes in the first place. Sirius's eyes were like clouds with a hint of sun behind them somewhere. She couldn't pinpoint where it ought to be, but she found herself caught up constantly trying to find it.

"I fancied the view," she said, glancing down to find that Anna McConnall was gone, possibly to go to a class. Anna's was the schedule she hadn't memorized, because what was the point trying to find a way to reason with the mad? You couldn't convince a girl who was beyond logical thought. She was still on the radar. It wasn't like Nova wanted the girl to burn like Amanda, but what help could she possibly give her?

"You always were an odd bird," Sirius said, almost wistful.

"That's why you love me," she teased, before realizing whom she was talking to. This wasn't Lily, wasn't James, wasn't Remus or anyone else she could say things like that to.

Her eyes met his, and if she looked half as stunned as she felt at what she'd just done, she looked like an idiot. Sirius was just staring back at her, obviously torn between laughing and longing. From the way his throat shifted with a swallow, it looked like longing was winning.

Nova watched the skin of his throat move with the act of swallowing, thinking of how many hundreds of kisses she had placed on that very throat. When she'd broken up with Sirius she'd done a bit of research, how long it would be until all the cells of his skin were different to the ones that had been in the skin she had kissed when they were together. But after that day in the owlery, kissing his cheek like an idiot, she couldn't remember where that left her with the calculations.

Years. It was years, however she figured it. Far too long.

"That's certainly part of it," he said softly.

"Don't," she said, thankfully not as harshly as she wanted. If only she could speak to Remus in such a gentle voice when she was upset.

"I know."

No apology. Perhaps it was just as well. She knew he wasn't sorry, and she hated when he lied to her, even when it was over nothing. Nova preferred almost anything to lies at this point.

With far more effort than should have been necessary, Nova looked out at the horizon line of the grounds, scraggly with the trees of the forest touching the steel-blue sky. The trees seemed smooth at this distance, but she wondered how rough they would be under her fingertips.

Like Sirius's face, always looking so smooth but feeling surprisingly rough with stubble when she closed her eyes to touch him. She nearly always closed her eyes to touch him, even when she thought they were in love. To keep them open would have been overwhelming. The boy was too attractive to be healthy.

He laced his fingers into her as he sat down at her feet, touching his wand to her sock and mending the hole she had been picking at when he entered.

"Did you read the paper this morning?" he asked.

Nova said nothing, still staring at the trees, imagining herself surrounded by the thick, dark forest. She'd hardly ever strayed beyond the very first layer of trees, her fear always overtaking her curiosity. What was the point inviting unnecessary danger when there were so man inescapable dangers in the world as it was?

"Nova?"

"Of course I did."

"The numbers keep getting bigger."

"I don't want to talk about it," she said, taking her hand out of his so she could hug her legs to her chest. His fingers traced the stitching on her shoes.

"Things like this don't go away just because we don't want to think about it."

But that was just it. Sirius liked to think about the war, about the way he would work to put down the threat of You-Know-Who when all was said and done. Somehow, he seemed to have some sort of heroic vision of him and James taking down the threat back to back like some sort of epic Muggle war film.

He had no idea what it was really like in the world outside of Hogwarts and his cushy upbringing. Yes, it hadn't been roses, but he didn't know the back alleys of the world, the dangers of whispered threats and a knife to your throat with your wand just out of reach. No do-overs if you made a mistake, no quarter for having a rich pureblood father, no concessions at all. Certainly no one fighting fair.

She even had a sneaking suspicion that the only reason he opposed the Death Eaters was because his family supported them.

"It's a war, Sirius," she said, looking up at him. "It's not something to dwell on when you don't have to."

"Don't be so surly," he said, slightly teasing, his fingers gently rubbing a gap between the tongue of her shoe and the outer leather, brushing at her exposed sock tenderly. "I know you're planning to fight with the rest of us."

Us meant the Marauders and Lily. It wasn't as though everyone in their year was picking sides in the war, although eventually Nova suspected that their sides would be decided for them if they hadn't already chosen.

Nova shrugged, tossing a little bit of hair over her shoulder as she turned her head and saying, "It's not like it's going to be some short skirmish, Sirius. Like I said, it's a war. I'd like to do my part, but I don't know what that's going to look like."

"Why not?"

"Because," she sighed, "I'm not you and James. I can't afford to spend all my time and energy fighting. I haven't got a penny to my name."

Nova wasn't ashamed of being poor, even with Sirius Black sitting across from her. In fact, he had commented many a time that she almost seemed proud of coming from nothing. Every penny she'd ever spent in school she had earned on her own, working in pubs and even once spending the night keeping an old man company in mostly innocent way just after his young wife died. She was resourceful, she learned about people, she understood the world in ways so many of her peers couldn't possibly. And in doing so, she'd made certain that her sister would never have to be acquainted with the things Nova had struggled through.

"Remus isn't exactly wealthy, love."

She sniffed a half-laugh at this, actually turning to smile wryly, bitterly at Sirius.

"You know I hate to say it," she said, raising an eyebrow at him as he nervously smiled back, "but that's not at all the same. In this climate, either side would be more than happy to support him for his…condition and the possibilities it offers."

Sirius actually shivered slightly. Dumbledore had discussed with Remus already the sort of offers he would get from the Death Eaters as soon as he stepped out of school if any of them learned what he was. Dumbledore had suggested that if he chose to fight against the Death Eaters, Dumbledore would personally see to Remus's financial security in the process. It felt like doing the right thing for the wrong reasons to Nova, but who was she to judge?

Nobody. Nova was nobody.

"Yeah," Sirius said with a frown. "Yeah, you're right, it's not the same at all. Well, there's Peter."

"He'll live with his mum. And Lily's going to be able to do whatever she wants, so I'm sure she'll find a way to make it work with the fight."

"You could be a Healer," Sirius teased.

Nova rolled her eyes. The very idea that she consider a career that required so much of her academic attention was absurd. Sirius didn't know the extent of the problem at present, but he knew perfectly well that her mind hadn't been able to focus on school properly since she was assaulted in that alleyway. One thing or another was always keeping her mind occupied, and lately it was her revenge. Before it had been their relationship, and before that it had been her quest for oblivion.

Revenge felt better than oblivion, but even sitting across from him in that moment she was willing to admit to herself that she missed the innocence of being wrapped up in being in love. Or whatever you called what they'd had.

"How do you know?" she asked softly after a painfully long pause.

Nova looked at Sirius, who was frowning back at her, perplexed. She liked that look on him, the way his features didn't seem to fit his face quite as well when they scrunched like that. His eyes looked dimmer, like the light behind them was further away.

"Know what?"

She hesitated. How would he interpret such a question? But she decided that it would probably be alright, and anyway, she needed to ask.

"You say that you love me. How…how do you know?"

Sirius stared back at her without moving for so long that Nova began to wonder if she'd actually managed to get the words out before he shook his head a little and looked out at the lake.

"I don't know how to explain it well," he said slowly, carefully. She couldn't remember the last time she'd seen him so consider something, anything. "The best way I can try, I guess, is that I just…I feel like I'm the best version of me when I'm making you happy."

Nova looked away again, watching a couple of students she couldn't discern at this distance as they walked toward the lake. She had never bothered to ask her parents about love. They obviously didn't know anything about it, or they wouldn't have made all the mistakes they'd made. In fact, Nova hadn't given much thought to love at all. How did Sirius have an answer when she couldn't tell herself what love was?

She had some idea of what it wasn't, but that wasn't good enough. She needed to know what it was, how it felt, and whether it was really necessary. Her parents might not have understood love, but they never seemed especially happy, either. Nova wasn't sure how likely she was to ever be happy, but it would be nice, and she would like to help her sister be happy at the very least.

"Come down, Nova," Sirius said gently, brushing his fingertips against her socks again. Nova closed her eyes and remembered the night they first slept together, and the way he touched every part of her with such tenderness. "Please."

It took longer than she thought. Either he was feeling a particular amount of self-control today, or this was what she had to get used to him being like right after speaking to Remus. She wasn't sure she liked it.

Still, his fingers kept brushing against her sock and she wondered if that first time he had known that he loved her. He had said it, but had he actually meant it then, or was she still just another one of the girls he said those words to? She knew he said it to everyone. They were also convinced. What was it about those words that made everyone want to believe so badly that they were true?

"Fine," she said. "I'm bored anyway."

Sirius snorted as he helped her down from the ledge. She didn't need the help, but it made him feel better when she didn't come off the ledge on her own.

"Let's see if I can't find some way to entertain you," he said teasingly, but Nova just walked past him to the staircase.

"Rain check," she said airily. "Remus is looking for me, remember?"

She didn't have to look back at him to know that he was watching her go with hurt, longing, possibly regret. It was the look he gave her every time she walked away and he thought no one could see.


	6. To Know What it Feels Like

_I'll bet you wish you could be me_

_Just for a little bit to know what it feels like_

Nova smoothed her skirt over her thighs and rested her head against the stone wall of the corridor, waiting. She was about to do one of her least favorite things: help Sirius go from one date to another.

Currently, he was with her favorite of all his women, his actual official girlfriend since he and Nova broke up, Victoria Smith. Victoria was a Hufflepuff, quiet, sweet, patient, and surprisingly shrewd. Unlike some of his women, Victoria actually suspected that Sirius might be cheating and had approached Nova tearfully with her concerns.

Of course, although she absolutely believed when Nova told her the truth, Victoria had yet to leave Sirius. Unlike with Amanda Denney, Nova truly believed that Victoria wanted to leave, but couldn't do it. It could be hard sometimes, but Nova constantly reminded herself that not all women could balance their priorities and abilities in the same way, and some people needed the illusion of love more than they needed the truth.

In Victoria's case, she had been physically (thankfully not sexually) abused by her father almost continuously from a very young age. She lived with constant guilt that her first bit of accidental magic probably was the direct cause of his death. Six years old, by her own admission probably very close to dying, and her magic lashed out, exploding a jar behind her father's head. A shard of glass entered his skull, penetrated his brain, and killed him almost instantly. She hadn't done anything on purpose, and she swore up and down to Nova that even if she could have chosen in that moment she only would have startled him.

Nova believed her. The death of even a man like that was a lot to put on an already troubled young girl's conscience.

Victoria's mother convinced the Muggle police that her husband had bumped the shelf, knocking back the jar into the wall, which then shattered. But although she wasn't willing to make anyone legally responsible, Mrs. Smith treated her daughter as guilty of something unspeakable for years, and never said differently.

Nova's childhood hadn't been a walk in the park, but she never thought any of it was her fault. She had plenty of other people to blame without feeling guilty for things out of her control. She could hardly imagine how Victoria had felt, growing up with that sort of pressure.

Sirius wouldn't say who he was going to spend the rest of his day with, but that in and of itself told Nova that he would be seeing Amanda Denney.

"Nova!"

She almost hit her head on the wall as she jerked her neck back to look up at her friend Lily, who was hurrying down the stairs toward her.

"Yes?" she asked, anticipating that somehow Remus had forgotten that she wasn't available and was looking for her again. "You startled me."

"Sorry," Lily said, smiling apologetically. "Are you alright? You're not ill again, are you?"

"No, no, fine," Nova said, wincing as she turned away from Lily, who sat down beside her. The year before she'd had a very, very bad week of wizarding flu which, among other things, made her dizzy frequently. "Just waiting."

"For Sirius," Lily said, filling in the obvious with her special disdain.

Lily didn't exactly disdain Sirius. It would have been difficult at this point, being with James as long as she had been. In fact, as much as she could, she saw him as a friend. But Nova knew that Lily would never understand Sirius's interactions with Nova.

The two girls sat in silence for a moment before Lily said, "I like that new lip gloss on you. It goes well with your blush."

Nova absently rubbed her lips together. Remus had bought it for her, as a gift, and Lily's comment confirmed that Sirius had picked it out. Lily never complimented gifts she helped choose, much like Sirius, and Remus was hopeless with anything to do with color. Nova wasn't sure how she felt about the knowledge that her boyfriend was asking her ex-boyfriend for advice on what to put on her lips.

She did like the lip gloss very much, though. It was her favorite brand, a shade that went well with all her other makeup.

"Thank you," Nova said, tracing her fingers along her hemline absently. "Are you revising today, or are you and James going to be canoodling in some alcove somewhere?"

Lily rolled her eyes, but her porcelain cheeks did tinge an attractive shade of pink. Nova didn't bother hiding her smirk.

"James and I are studying together, actually."

"Are you really?"

Teasing Lily was one of Nova's great joys in life. Although Lily was a wonderful friend, it was good to remember – and probably good for Lily to remember as well – that the Head Girl had flaws and weaknesses, and made mistakes like anyone else.

"There they are."

"Together as always. Lily, dear!"

Lily rolled her eyes a little, but Nova's smile slid off her face at the sounds of Sirius's and James's voices approaching them from up the staircase. The girls turned around to see the approach and from this unfortunate angle Nova was struck once more – as she so painfully often was – by how sinfully attractive Sirius Black managed to look when he strutted about.

"Boys," Lily said, smiling at them. "Is it that time already?"

"Must be," Nova sighed, holding up her hands, which Sirius took to pull her to her feet. She mostly ignored the way his lips twitched toward smiling as their fingers touched. "We'll see you lovebirds later. Enjoy Charms."

"Potions," Lily corrected, blushing slightly.

"Whatever," Nova snorted, leading Sirius toward the common room. When she got him up to his dormitory, she flipped hair over her shoulder and said, "Right, new outfit first."

"Do I have to?"

Nova raised a warning eyebrow at Sirius. Her agreeing to help him with these things was on the condition that he would do whatever she asked during the disagreeable occurrences.

"Right," he muttered, crossing his arms, dropping to sit on the edge of his bed, and cocking his head in near-defiance at her. "What to you suggest, love?"

His eyes widened as soon as the word slipped out of his lips, and Nova froze for a split second, but they ignored the slip-up, moving on as she rummaged casually through his clothes.

"Here," she said, pulling out a charcoal-gray black t-shirt, the one he had worn when they went to the Falmouth Falcons match together, the one she'd taken off him with her teeth in a room at the Leaky Cauldron after the Falcons victory.

As he took the shirt from her, his eyes flashed with recognition and she looked down quickly before he caught her up in a discussion of nostalgic remembrances of their happiest memories. She found him a clean pair of jeans and tossed them at him.

"Go change," she ordered. "Then I'll give you any further advice."

As soon as he left to change – something he didn't always do, but every time she asked he complied – Nova began to pace the dormitory. She hated when he went on dates, making an effort to look and act especially attractive, and not just to her. It was a reminder of the efforts he put into their dates in the beginning, before he fell in love and took it for granted that she would always be his. She could remember the feel of his lips on her skin after that match, the way everything inside her seemed to swell pleasantly when he gave her that look of longing and passionate desire.

She wanted to scream, pacing the room, so angry that it couldn't have just been what it felt like in those blissful moments. Why couldn't she just have one thing in her life, one damn thing that was a fairytale? Why couldn't she just be happy?

"Nova?"

Licking her lips, Nova turned and saw Sirius standing there, frowning at her, leaning casually against the doorframe. She had forgotten how delicious he looked in that shirt. She bit the inside of her cheek very hard to keep from making angry exclamations at how unfair life was.

"Good," she said. "Did you comb your hair this morning?"

Sirius snorted.

"You were never one for stupid questions, starshine," he said, smiling at her as he mussed his hair up a bit more. "Let's not start now."

Nova shook her head and looked over at the chair between his bed and James's bed, the chair she sat in as she listened to his drugged confessions. It was a painful but necessary reminder of why she was putting herself through all of this.

"So," he said, sitting beside her and beginning to pull his shoes on, "what are you going to do while I'm gone? Remus around?"

She ignored the bitterness edging his voice, focusing on his shoelaces.

"He's busy," she said, wondering if she should have felt a bit more concerned about that. "I'm spending time with a friend."

"Which friend?" he asked, tying his left shoe. "Lily's with James, isn't she?"

"Yeah," Nova said, shrugging. "And my sister is with her friends. No, I'm actually spending the afternoon studying with Victoria."

Sirius dropped his right shoe and Nova tried really hard not to smile. She almost couldn't manage, but she'd had quite a bit of practice.

"V-Victoria? Smith?"

"Do we know another Victoria?"

Nova looked up at Sirius coolly, knowing that he so badly wanted to ask her so many questions. She watched his eyes as he struggled between his desire to secure the safety of his secrets and the need to prove he trusted Nova in order to win her over. Pathetic, how he felt that he still had a chance.

But Nova had long since realized that Sirius Black was only human, pathetic in his way just like everybody else. Nothing special, nothing superior, just simply a human with his own flaws and failings. In a way, he was more pathetic for the pedestal half the world seemed to hold him on.

"I see," he said, shifting. "I didn't realize you two were friends. I mean…I mean I knew you were friendly, but…."

"Relax, Sirius," Nova said dryly. "There's no need to spill your secrets to Victoria."

_She already knows them._

Sirius did look relieved, however. For a man who understood subtleties and loopholes, he couldn't see when they were right in front of him.

"Right," he muttered, picking up his shoe again and pulling it on. "Right, well, you ladies have fun, then."

Nova knew that his thoughts would be running along the lines of: at least Victoria wouldn't see him with Amanda if Nova was keeping her company. Her mind similarly recognized that if Sirius was occupied with Amanda, he couldn't barge in accidentally on her conversations with Victoria.

He pulled tight his shoelaces and hopped to his feet, splaying his arms and turning.

"How do I look?"

She raised an eyebrow at his roguish grin and shook her head with amused disapproval.

"You know exactly how you look," she said dryly, standing and flipping her hair over her shoulder. "Let's not have you asking stupid questions now."

Nova was halfway to the door when he said her name. She turned to see him staring at her, and he said, "Thank you."

The fake smile came almost too easily, and Nova replied softly, "What are friends for?"

She took in a brief struggle on his face between pleasure at the shared moment and pain that she had used the word "friend." Then she turned and walked away, heading as quickly as she could to her rendezvous point with Victoria in the Charms courtyard.

The tall, thin blonde stood on the edge of the courtyard, her pale skin goosepimpled in the cold air, her nose red and chaffed. As Nova leaned against the wall beside her, Victoria pulled her scarf over her nose and said through the fluffy fabric, "D'you know who she is this time?"

"Can't be certain," Nova said, tapping a loose stone with her boot, "but I think it's Denney."

Nova didn't have to see Victoria's face to know that this devastated her more than any of his other women. Amanda and Nova may have hated each other, but at least it was a reasonably even rivalry. Amanda tormented the less-talented, less-popular, less-attractive, less-intelligent Victoria on a regular basis almost since they met.

"You want a smoke?" Victoria asked, and Nova shook her head. Even if she'd wanted to, this wasn't the place for it, out in the open as they were. "Right. How go your plans?"

Nova smirked to herself, looking down at her nails and shifting against the wall slightly. She lowered her voice and said, "Pretty well. I need an active partner for the next stage, though."

Victoria nodded thoughtfully before saying, "Well, I'm sure Lily would be pleased to help, and if you asked in the right way, maybe even Remus-"

"No," Nova said quickly. "No, it can't be either of them."

She watched the pale girl's silvery eyes, expecting some recognition, but the unspoken request seemed lost on Victoria, who continued to appear pondering. Eventually, Nova said, "I'd like it if you would be my partner in this."

Victoria was clearly surprised by this offer, her eyes widening and her head whipping to face Nova at this revelation.

"An active partner?" she asked softly, her voice still muffled by the thick, warm, loosely knitted scarf. "In your battle against Sirius? Why me?"

What to say? Because she was the only one Nova could trust? She was the only one Nova liked?

Mostly, it was because Victoria was his actual girlfriend, someone more than just a small handful of Sirius's most trusted friends actually knew about for certain. He was more likely to give her public attention, which made the whole affair more likely to play out as Nova imagined it. And when it did, Victoria would join Nova on the side of the active avengers, and not have to be a victim anymore, pitied.

"Because," Nova said, pausing to suck a breath of cold air in through her teeth as she organized her thoughts, "you believe me and I trust you."

Well, she was dealing with a Hufflepuff, after all.

Victoria's face gave no indications for a very long moment, and nothing passed between the pair of them except the whistling wind. Finally, though, Victoria said in her soft voice, "Is it easy for you, lying to him?"

The question startled Nova, because she didn't immediately know the answer, and she thought she should have. The startling conclusion, though, was that lying to everyone else had become easier, but lying to Sirius was still a struggle.

"It's easier knowing what he's done," Nova said slowly, "but I don't think it will ever be easy."

She didn't have to explain; Victoria understood perfectly.

"I don't have to lie to him, you see," Victoria said, shifting her scarf down her face a bit, revealing that her nose had gone pale again. "Not yet. He doesn't ask what I know, and I'm careful not to volunteer information. I can answer the questions he does ask, and the things I say aren't lies. Because I do love him, and I do need him, in spite of everything. In spite of knowing that he's lying to me. And…and that suits me. If I took this active role, I would lie. I would have to lie, wouldn't I?"

Nova hesitated. Depending on whether or not she could secure Victoria as her partner in this would put a lot of the future plans into shape out of relative shapelessness. But to be effective, they had to be willing to do anything to get to that end-goal moment, that glorious picture that Nova had in her head.

She said, "It's possible. I…I can't promise that you wouldn't."

Victoria nodded slowly, glancing at a group of first year girls giggling as they scampered across the other side of the courtyard.

"I wish I had your strength."

The words were so soft that Nova took several seconds to process them, running them through her mind to make certain she'd heard them correctly. Victoria then turned her face so that the two girls were looking eye-to-eye for the first time since they greeted each other.

"It's not about strength," Nova said, frowning slightly. "I'm not that strong. But I have to do this."

Victoria shook her head slightly, frizzy blonde hair trying to fly away. She said, "Nova, you don't have to do anything. You could walk away, live your life, love Remus, move on. You could have stayed with him too. The fact that you feel that you couldn't proves you have more strength than me. Because I have to stay. You see?" Nova shook her head. "Just like you had to leave, you have to do this, I have to stay because I can't imagine a life where I look in the mirror and can't tell myself, even as a lie, that Sirius loves me. If I haven't go that, what else do I have?"

If Nova had been Lily, she could have come up with a list of things that Victoria had. She could have pointed out Victoria's merits and strengths and abilities, perhaps even buttered them up a bit. But Nova was not Lily; she did not have a naturally generous spirit and a gift for building others up. Her gift, ironically, was in seeing past positives and looking at the world with realistic and sometimes painful cynicism. It hurt, but it was useful, and it went hand in hand with tearing things down.

And Nova could not imagine it was possible that Victoria could be so scarred that she actually couldn't hurt Sirius. She knew it was true, but she couldn't fathom it, all at once.

"I guess," she said softly, "I'll just have to think of someone else, then."

The problem, as Nova saw it, was that at the moment her options were, at best, slim.

The next phase would have to be on hold while she sorted out what to do with her disappointment.


End file.
